


nescient

by geeberz



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Levi/Erwin Smith, Flashbacks, Gentle Kissing, Grinding, Holding Hands, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Levi x Erwin, M/M, Massage, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), POV Levi Ackerman, POV Male Character, Partial Nudity, Past Levi/Erwin Smith, Platonic Hange Zoë & Levi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad with a Happy Ending, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Spoilers, Sloppy Makeouts, Slow Burn, Survivor Guilt, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28746189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geeberz/pseuds/geeberz
Summary: levi had always assumed survivor's guilt was the worst thing he had struggled with, until he had to face his heart.
Relationships: Levi & Erwin Smith, Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 13
Kudos: 56





	1. prelude

I wasn’t quite aware of the admiration when it first happened. 

There is a list of ‘maybe’s’ I have compiled into a list. 

1\. When I first picked up the strong overwhelming mix of expensive cologne and mint on his breath with the slight undertone of seat. But still, the sweetest smell I have ever come by at the time because all I had known up until that point was the bitter stench of mold and stale nothingness. The strong fumes was intoxicating as it burned my nose and overwhelmed my lungs, my senses, as he pushed his blade against my throat in my arrest, when he had found me as an insurgent; it had been our first interaction. 

2\. It was when he had spoken up towards his fascination towards me, when he had told me he wanted me to start training, extending a rough and ever so steady hand in front of me as the first order he had ever given me, but more or less taken as an invite after slamming my face into a puddle of mudd. Looming over me, softly grinning with his pooling tides of cerulean for eyes. 

3\. When we had become equals, in the same position of ranking and he had earned my long awaited respect I should’ve given him a long time ago. After he forgave me for my resistance, my sharp cursed tongue, when I had barked threats and quickly after had swung a blade towards him. I still remember how he grabbed it with his bare hand, his eyes steady and calm like a quiet storm rolling over, sure to thunder if it needed to. 

4\. It had crept on me and it happened so simply, too simply to notice. 

5\. It was everything on the list. 

I sit with the back of my neck against the headboard as I crook my head down into my lap, my back slanted with my legs crossed while I look at the list resting on my lap. Yes, I had written them down a few days ago, the ink now dried and smudged. I write with my left hand. My thought process goes more smoothly with a pen to paper. I’ve habited that from Hange after all these years after they asked me to do it time and time again as they were too busy to write it down because their mouth moves quicker than their hands.  
At first, it was all jumbled inside my head as a rough draft, but this was the finalized product of the list. Though I still tend to doubt it in the back of my mind. Maybe it isn’t just admiration that had sprung on me, it could have more depth. Or, it’s all just a misunderstanding, and there is no depth at all. I accompany both ideas. 

I tap the end of my pen against the corner of paper a few times, and read over the list for the fifth time tonight.

I get up and set the papers neatly in the center of my desk, then look out my window before I return to bed.

It’s almost dawn now, as the sun peaks at me, blushing red and pink as the clouds stretch over it’s horizon, like a cat sprawled out on a sofa, elongated and content in relaxation. Stretched and still. 

Even though I’m by myself I still scoff into the smooth static of the silence. I fold the palm of my hand over my bare shoulder for a second before reaching up and combing my fingers through my hair. It’s a silly concept to me yet here I am, moments before morning, debating the situation as I have been for the past several months. It’s a nightly routine now, I suppose. 

Is Erwin really beyond anything more than a brother and a comrade? But if I chose to go with that simple answer, I wouldn’t be satisfied to just say it’s of my extensive gratitude. 

I lay down, pulling just the sheets over the top of me.


	2. easy on the eyes

I circle the rim of the teacup with my fingers to hold it while it levitates over my lap, readjusting myself in the seat, crossing my leg over the other. The room was still, less conversation than the past few days but oftentimes Erwin and I were content with the silence. However, it did not come off to be one of those moments. Ever since those certain types of nights have been occurring, there has been an uneasy string of tension drawing around us, stretching out further and tying around us into knots so it gets harder to speak, because our tracheas practically snap, and then no one can say anything.

It has subdued me recently every occasion I am with him. We stare at each other. But it didn’t seem as though Erwin was exactly subdued himself, I question the possibility it could just be me alone who is the one that is uneasy as if there is even anything to be uneasy about ... I seem to contradict myself. But then, he has never been transparent.

I try to divide the similar puzzle pieces into separate piles in my head space, but before I can properly inspect the possible evidence to solve the riddle, I hear a rustle and subconsciously tune in and direct myself towards the direction the noise is coming from. It’s only second nature to shut off my currently overanalyzing brain and direct my attention to the small noise.

Of course it was only Erwin, spinning around on his ass with his legs slightly up in the air to the end of the bed like a little boy would. Even after his accident, his trauma, he still remains his usual calm self. Not that I believe he is truly calm deep within after everything he’s endured, but more so he simply chooses to take what has been placed in his hands and works with it so he can manage to keep bringing himself back some sort of tranquility at the end of every long day, so eventually, he’ll be whole again. He puts up a good front to make sure everyone can also stay in harmony with his gentle ambience and maintain good relationships with his fellow soldiers, and really everyone around him I suppose.

He gives a soft smile … Erwin was always one to smile no matter what the circumstances. I remember the week after Erwin had lost his arm, sitting in his bed with his arm limp in his lap, his eyes directed nowhere specific. I was looking out the window thinking when I had turned to him to see the biggest grin on his unshaven face. It was not all that bad of a look on him, but most definitely un-professional via his position of standards.

_“Um.. excuse me, but… what is with that smile?”_

_It was then obvious he had been dissociated for however long I was in my own headspace when he blinked and shifted forwards as if my voice had revived him and pulled him back into his own body to respond with an ever so soft tone, “Oh, it’s nothing...” he paused, but it was something “it seems we've taken one more step closer to the truth.”_

_“Wow. One whole step, huh? At this pace we’ll actually run out of people before we reach it. Not a good rate of return.” I had told him._

_I could hear him adjust his posture, making the sheets rustle, he always adjusts his posture when he’s being candid. Then, with that same soft tone but so much electricity he has always carried, his sentence was galvanized enough to pierce through me; “Everything comes at a price. One day we’ll get close enough to break through. The wall barring us from the truth will tumble.”_

Then when Erwin had lost his arm, I have had trouble sleeping at night, due to the devastation I could have added another comrade to the list of valuable losses I’ve gained. But now, it has accumulated something larger than that fear; something has sparked. I find myself tracing back to that day to help myself navigate the once again ever so vexing labyrinth of thoughts. It’s only a small puzzle piece that fits into the outer frame, but it’s one whole step forward, I should say.

I try to diverge myself back into the present and less about something I will have all night to contemplate over and analyze repeatedly, I’m sure. “Are you ready to go and start your routine for the day?” I ask, as I lift the teacup to my face and take a sip big enough to finish the rest of the tea off.

“I suppose, yes.”

“I know it’s an invasion of your privacy but it’s just a bit while longer. Do you think I enjoy spending my time this way? I’m just a kind friend, turns out.”

“You do love to clean though,” he turns his face towards me with his light hearted joke and smirks warmly.

My face scrunches. “House cleaning. But only for you would I ever let my mind be open to the possibility of it ever coming down to this sort of cleaning...which it has.”

He turns away again, letting the silence buzz from the background and into the room again. He sighs, and heaves himself up from the bed with his remaining right arm. I place my empty tea cup on the arm of the chair and stand up effortlessly, stepping next to his left side. We walk beside one another into the hallway and down to the bathroom.

Once we arrive, before I begin to remove his bandaging, I unbutton my sleeves and roll them up to my elbows. I dip my pinky in the sink to see if Sasha has provided warm water as I asked before she headed out to do her cleaning tasks for the day with the other scouts. Warm but losing its touch, but not cold enough to be discomforting. He stays quiet and still as I graze my finger over his shoulder blade and begin to undo the ribbon of gauze. His sharply sculpted shoulder blade leading downhill to a steady curve that connects to his armpit, his skin scrunched and folded by a few sutures but still so soft.

“Is it still tender?” I ask in caution.

“Yes, but it will take some getting used to. Just do what you are supposed to, I’ll be okay.”

“I just don’t want to hurt you, that’s all.” I say, Levi Ackerman, the man who hasn’t ever been afraid of hurting anyone. But this is different.

“I appreciate your tenderness.” His voice was low and soft, and warm. It was deep and full of meaning. Both of our left side’s faced the mirror above the sink, reflecting all of him and enough to see me from the chest up, but a split second we both glanced into the mirror and made direct eye contact. There was very little light in this room - I should tell one of the cadets to change the oil soon, it seems low - but still, his eyes glint the deepest blue. The deepest blue, deep enough bore right through me and find all my inner thoughts.

He turns away and lifts his chin up to the ceiling, and I take that as a que to get back to my task. I take the folded rag next to the sink bowl and let some of the water consume itself into the rag, then squeezing it just so it isn’t dripping all over the floor. I begin around his shoulder blade, where it’s apparent his bandages take place because there is a ring of more present paleness there than the rest of him, the bandages hide him from the sun. He is not completely shirtless but his crisp white shirt falls down the center of his backside exposing half of him and covering the rest of him up, but even with his shirt on you can see the sculpted, toned muscles as he straightens his posture for me and lifts his shoulder up so I can begin to wash around the circle of pale skin and then inwards towards his stitches but in a slow and forbearing movement.

It’s quiet again, but when he looked at me in the mirror the tension I had felt from earlier softened and evaporated into nothing. Now there is a certain nostalgia as the contentedness we had once felt all those other times before my strain sinks in. I let my eyes linger to the dent where his shoulder bones slant and define the overlap of his hard muscles, cascading down his spin and painted with a tiny constellation of freckles and a few beauty marks. My skin was so pale, and even though with the same line of duties giving us the same amount of physical activities we have basically the same malleable body type, I guise my small amount of envy towards him for being so seamlessly perfect in all aspects somehow. Right down to each freckle.

“Is something wrong?” Erwin asked with mild concern, I noticed I had been cleaning the same spot for awhile now.

“No, my apologies, I had found a patch of dirt built up on a patch of skin that was exposed between your bandages,” I lied, “I’ll change your sheets when we get back to your room, that could be your problem. You are supposed to switch your sheets out fairly often, a lot of sweat and grime build up between the threads. And I know you haven’t really been up to much else besides bed rest.”

“Hmm,” his hum turned into a small “ah” of affliction when I gently brushed over his stitches, I watched his face squint in the mirror. I felt bad, but it was necessary.

I set the rag down once I was done, and I picked up the ball of bandages. “This will be less painful, I can assure that.” I placed the palm of my hand on the end of the band and held it in place as I used my other hand to wrap the ribbon of gauze around his healing wound. It only took a few moments, nothing too difficult. I tugged and watched it tighten like a repairing seam on a dress. I broke the connection between the ball of bandage and his bind up with my teeth (I didn’t have my knife on me) and tucked the small loose piece into a small spot where it wouldn’t be noticed.

“Thank you, Levi,” Erwin turns to me, still carrying that same meaning in his voice, and smiles out of gratitude, I think, or just because he’s Erwin, and shows everyone the same amount of kindness for any actions they take for him.

“No thanks necessary.”

“But it helps to hear it be said sometimes.” I paused for a moment. I didn’t know what to say to that.

“Let’s go switch your sheets, shall we?” I made sure to carry out my fib.

“Oh, yes.”

Erwin sat in the chair I had placed myself in earlier while I pulled the sheets off his bed and exchanged them for the new ones I had set on top of his table when we entered the room.

“I’ll switch your sheets out every couple of days now.”

“I’m almost done healing, I’m past the stage of high risk for an infection.” He told me, but I didn’t think that factor weighed in much more to begin with than the fact that a sanitary environment is something anyone should maintain. I gave him a look to indicate I didn’t agree with such nonsense excuses. Which Erwin always had lined up his wrist tucked up under his sleeve, a bundle of excuses. Most often they were easy to reckon with, but the other times they were just flat out ridiculous. I didn’t see the need to worry too much about it. It was definitely irrelevant to me for the time because all I want to think about is the over analyzation of my own actions. It was self consuming and definitely not the best use of my time but I want to conclude my bemusement. I was taught to see things through to the very end ever since I was a young boy.

I don’t have any excuses for the reason why, such as Erwin. It’s just a situation that I have created for myself, and I am working through it. That’s at least one thing I can promise myself to be factual without any concrete evidence.

“ _Levi_ ,” Erwin’s voice was sharp, and toned with slight irritation. 

“ _What_ ,” I mimicked with the same tone. 

“I’ve been having an entire one sided conversation with you, it turns out. I might as well have been talking to myself.” 

“Is that so?”

“Yes. Are you alright? You seem like you are caught up on something.”

 _I am,_ I wanted to say, _my fascination with you is rather bothersome. And I don’t even know what is wrong with me, for me to be so consumed by one person. But it’s all your fault, because you just plainly exist_. But instead I chose a more simple answer. “I am just tired.”

“I heard you’ve been staying up a lot. More than you already do.”

I bunched his old sheets and tossed them onto the floor. As I spun around on the heel of my shoes to grab the fresh pair of sheets, I made direct eye contact unintentionally, His eyes were still as electric as they were this morning. I don’t think they’ve ever been subtle. “How did you know that?” 

“Hange said you have been having two cups of coffee instead of one, and less tea. It’s very abnormal behavior for the typical Levi. It wasn’t just that. You know Hange, she doesn’t sleep much herself, she takes walks around the hallways to keep herself awake when she’s trying to inquire. She told me she heard you moving about in your room.”

“Don’t analyze me Erwin.”

He chuckled at my order and adjusted his posture in the chair. “I’m not, I’m just going off of the evidence provided to me by Hange. Sleep is a neccecity. You need it in order to properly get by and of course- well, I won’t mother you about it. You are a grown man. Just try and get more sleep Levi. It’s healthy. If not for yourself, then for my peace of mind.”

“So is keeping your sheets clean,” I glanced over my shoulder to tell him as I tucked the ends of the fabric under his mattress. “But I don’t intend to mother you about it.”

As I enter the kitchen, I watch the entire crowd of scouts tense up at my entrance. I approach the table with an ease they seem to not have themselves and run my fingertips under the edge of the table. While I was attending to Erwin’s needs, I had assigned them to clean up around the house. When I draw my hand back, what do I find? Dust. Something that would not remain in a newly sanitized environment.

“I am quite certain I had given you enough time.” I begin, I make the fumes of irritation saturating my voice well known.

Eren is the first to respond by pinching his brows together, shaking his head, and soon after the rest follow with a rhythm of huffs and puffs. Sasha decides to throw her hands in the air, as if they don’t understand how the table shouldn’t just clean itself. I sigh not at them but myself for entrusting a bunch of fifteen year olds to not get distracted and do their simple chores.

“Nevermind, we can discuss your utter failure at a later date. I would at least like to thank Sasha for doing one thing I asked to be done this morning.” I pull the clean cloth (meant to clean the dusty table I’m sure) off the corner of the table and wipe my fingertips clean. Sasha remains silent. “Eren, Hange is anxious to get the experiment underway. That’s what she had told me last night at least.”

He straightens his posture before he replies, clunking his boots together. His forest green eyes are wide as dinner plates. “Right, yes, sir.”

I look him over for a brief moment. He is the one cadet whose clothes are grimed with a light coating of dust and dirt on his pants. I can tell he was trying his best to please my wishes unlike the rest of them (As he should, he knows I hold him to a higher standard). I feel a slight twinge of guilt set in for only thanking Sasha. I am starting to see the lack of sleep finally go into effect as I am less aware than usual.

“How many nights have you been up, Hange?”

“How many nights have _you_ been up, Levi?” Hange prodded back.

“I guess that’s not what I should be asking. How many walks have you been going on just to spy on me?” I restated.

Hange swayed back and forth on the ball of her heels, all four eyes directed down to watch Eren’s loud roar rip through the field below where her and I peer down off the ledge. He extends out a giant hand in an attempt to crawl forwards before he collaspes face first.

“What’s wrong Eren?” Hange shouts and inhales sharply before shouting again, I don’t believe I’m going to get a proper answer out of her, “Get up! The future of humanity depends on you dammit! Get uppp!”

But it was no use. He was not going to get back up. Although I had grown too tired to listen to all of what Hange had explained what this trial was meant to prove earlier, I could easily gather he most likely was not going to get back up considering this was the third try. “Third time, and his form has changed again,” I pointed out. “He’s not even ten meters tall, and some of his body lacks muscle. Plus, Eren’s scrawny ass is hanging out.”

“I can see that!” She said as she turned towards me, still shouting but a little more toned down, then turns back and raises her sword and waves it in the air for what reason I’m sure only she will ever understand. “Eren, think you can still move? Give us a signal or somethin’, will ya!?”

No signal however I watch Mikasa which looks as small as an ant from this height jump off her horse and run towards Eren’s titan. I applaud Jean for asking her to wait up, thinking he could really try and stand between her and Eren. That was her person, anyone could see that. “Great. The brats at it again. Off to the rescue. She never learns, does she?” I comment, though I don’t think Hange or Moblit was listening.

“There is no response. We’re done here.” Hange said as she propelled herself off the ledge with her ODM gear, her voice descending behind her, diving down and landing on top of what was a titan but is now just a steaming pile of hot smoldering muscle. Regardless of whether it’s smoldering hot or not, Hange still buries herself elbow deep and pulls Eren’s upper half away from the remaining tissue. I couldn’t tell what she was saying from down there, but I’m sure it was because she didn’t think before plunging herself into a mess of hot flesh. Moblit flies down to join her just as she lands backwards on her ass, leaving just Armin, Crista and I alone. I am so half minded this afternoon I had almost forgotten they were standing there behind me this entire time.

“It’s not the outcome we hoped for. We are still a long way from being able to use Eren’s titan to seal the wall.” I say as I turn from the ledge to make it aware I was speaking to him. I can see him ease into disappointment, his shoulders relaxing and his eyes astray somewhere towards the ground.

“Yes, we’ve known all along this would be like grasping at proverbial straws.” He reminded me. “But the plan is strategically sound, and simple in theory. All we need is to get Eren there.” I jogged his memory as well. “This could still work, but it’s going to depend on him.”

He listened attentively, his eyes focused on me. His eyes were also a deep blue, but different from Erwin’s. Erwin’s held a different feeling when you looked at them.

“Experiment over! All troops withdraw at once!” Hange shouted from below, ending our conversation. I turn around completely to see Crista as Armin walks away. “You ride back to the house with Eren. I’m going with Hange’s group,” I command her, her eyes just as blue as Armin’s, her face completely deadpan. “We’re headed for Trost.”

“Sir.” She replies before walking away, her voice small and feminine but mature and smooth like honey. A voice easily comforting more than most. I take a moment to indulge myself in the scenery of the field below. A thousand shades of green together as if it was a painting in front of my eyes. I listen closely as the footsteps fade out and leave nothing but the threads of grass whisper surrurus through the wind. I find that in this silence I am giving myself a chance to envy what I had seen earlier in Mikasa’s actions. Eren is her person, she knows that, and she acts on it, plainly as ever. Though when you are young you have the ability to act on how you feel, because you don’t know much else than that. But as you get older, it complicates the mantra.

I look up at the sky. Blue. I’m too tired to analyze much of how I feel right now. I sigh and close my eyes. I feel the wind brush up behind me in a chilly embrace. I decide to go back to headquarters.

I wake up in my bed. I immediatley notice the daylight has grown dim and the sun is passing the world over into soft moonlight and star shine. It must be dinner time because I notice a piquant concoction of smells meander from the kitchen below. I sit up, letting my elbows rest on top of my knees, as I take a moment of silence. Although I get many moments such as these, they all come from different places, at a different time, in different forms. A small gift I like to think.

“Are you awake?” I hear a smooth, understated voice say. I looked towards the direction the voice was flowing from to find the one and only Hange. She reaches up and lights the oil lamp enough to see her face chiseled out with shadows, then folds her arms and leans against the door frame.

“It seems so, yes. Why.” It was less of a continuation to our conversation than it was more of an interrogation question.

“Erwin wants to see you in his room. I told him about how the trial had gone this afternoon, but he wants to speak with you on how you feel about the situation.” She tells me, un-phased by my previous tone. She knows me well enough to know I had just woken up and she shouldn’t take my tetchy tones to heart.

“I see.”

“Are you still tired? I could tell him you are worn out, and you guys can discuss it in the morning.”

“No,” I begin as I get up and tug my jacket off my small coat hook on the opposite side of the door frame. “I got a long nap in, and besides, I don’t need you telling him any more about my sleep schedule.” I jabbed, causing her to make her all too famous ‘Yeah, I said that. Oops.’ face whenever she’s called out.

I take a step forward to stand in front of her. She reaches up and adjusts her glasses. “I heard you ask me about that earlier, but I was preoccupied. I swear it just came up into conversation.” “My sleep schedule came up into conversation?”

“Yes…”

“You’ve convinced me.” I repartee.

“Well if you weren’t staying up so late there wouldn’t be anything to tell.” She smiles, waving her hands. “I actually didn’t think much of it until I noticed you were drinking more coffee, and that’s not like you. You always said that coffee was bad because it stunts your bone growth - not that you have much growth to begin with - well, that’s besides the point, the point is that you shouldn’t be staying up late. Not at our age, anyways.”

“You are three years younger than me.” I say and let out a small sigh, “I don’t want this to be one of those things where you guys start analyzing me because I am just doing something out of the ordinary. People do that. I’m doing that. I am just having a bad spell. I’ll be fine. But stop gossiping.”

She leans forward, her butt still against the frame of the door. “Gossip and attestation are two different things. I just knew that you are softer on Erwin than you are on me, maybe it’s because of the intimidating height difference -”

“My height has nothing to do with this.” I shake my head.

“-As I was saying, I’m not sure what the deal is there, but you have a soft spot for him. It’s just a thing. I figured if I told him you would be less affronted.” She leans back onto the door frame.

I was quiet for a minute. “There isn’t some deeper reason I would’ve confessed if that conversation had gone well with him, soft spot or not.” I explained.

“I never implied that was my scheme.” Hange defended.

“Hange.” I don’t often have to say anything more than that to tell her what I’m thinking.

She glanced into the hallway for a second, and then faced back towards me with a rather guilty expression. “You just haven’t been yourself since Erwin had his accident. It seems like there is something nagging at you. I thought your sleep schedule could be a conversation starter that could lead up to the bigger picture, of whatever is nagging at you. That’s not wrong of me. Besides, Levi Ackerman doesn’t just take naps. The last time you took a nap was when… Honestly I don’t remember. That’s how long it’s been.”

I step forward and place my hand on top of her head. Her russet hair is sleek and plush even tied back into a ponytail. “Nothing is going on. I appreciate your concern. If something comes to mind, you can be the first person that knows.” I technically could tell her what is on my mind. But how do I tell her I’m mad at Erwin for purely existing? That’s the only way I know how to word it.

She smiles. “Okay. If you say so.”

“I do.” I step backwards then out of the room to rove down the hallway to Erwin’s room.

Erwin holds a paper up in front of the glow of the lamp to digest the information contained in the single report.

“I see. Another failure then ... imagine if it had worked. We could’ve plugged the hole to Shiganshina in less than a day.” He breathes out once I finish my thought. I cross my legs and stare at the floorboards.

“What we need is information,” I say, somehow catching his attention. He turns his head like an owl while his body faces towards the window and lowers his paper. I continue on. “It’s not like there are books on the subject. That would make things too easy. We do have Crista - no, Historia Reiss. Maybe she can give us some insight into the nature of the walls.”

He turns back towards the window. “I did some digging and found a report about her life before the cadets. The illegitimate daughter of Lord Reiss.” His brows furrow. “Hers was not a happy childhood.”

The room falls silent for a minute. Enough for me to think how possibly bad her childhood could be compared to mine. Then, he continues to carry on. “Lord Reiss is the key to all of this, somehow. Why would a mere regional lord know the secrets of the walls?”

“I don’t know.” I rejoined.

“I know you don’t. I’m just proposing.”

There was more silence. Then he went and sat down on his bed, setting the papers on the table on his way over. I didn’t care much to read them over. “We did the best with what we learned for today. We can only do so much with so little information, but we have made progress, and we will continue to do so. Don’t forget that.” “I didn’t plan on forgetting anything.”

“I thought I’d tell you not to anyway, just in case.” He simpered.

He planted his hand into the mattress to hold still as he used his left foot to slip his right foot out of his shoe, or at least he attempted to. His vamp fumbled over the back of his heel, failing to grip the back of his shoe to pull it off with what should be ease.

“Do you want help?” I asked softly, my voice low and humming with what I hoped would come across as benevolence.

He looked at me briefly, “I don’t think so.”

He had surprisingly attempted to get his right shoe off, and had an easier time getting his left one off with his toes. He scooted his shoes to the side, out of the way of his feet.

“I’ve had a long day, I think I would like to rest a bit early tonight.” He informed me.

“You should as well.”

“I took a nap earlier.” I had also informed him.

“A nap?”

“A nap.”

“When was the last time you had one of those? I don’t remember.” I felt myself give way to a small humored smirk. “Hange said the same thing earlier. I know it’s not very like me but the exhaustion from my lack of sleep had finally sprang on me when I had gotten back from this afternoon’s trial.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes.” I affirmed. I recline back to let my head rest against the wall. He rested his upper body weight on his arm, staring into an angle somewhere across the room, it allowed me to look at his side profile. His jawline sharp and clean cut, his chin the same way, as to where his lips - his lips were narrow but enough for the tainted pink outline to still be noticed. They looked soft. His upper lip was slightly larger than the bottom one, curving inwards, meeting his septum; like the perfect brush stroke. The outline of his nose was Grecian. I skipped over his brows and forehead and swooped my eyes over his head to his neck, his Adam’s apple, sitting salient. I bent my head down, the back of my head still against the wall, my eyes traveling down to his collar bones.

“I’d like to excuse myself to rest. I am rather washed out.” he said politely, as his way of telling me to get out in the nicest way possible. It is not as if we were speaking of anything important anyways. I blinked, averting my eyes to my hand resting on the table. I realized I had done the same thing I had done this morning in the bathroom with him.

“My apologies, I was lost in thought.” I say, trying to hide my slight chagrin as I get up from my chair, I try to keep a straight face.

“Enjoy the rest of your evening.” Erwin says before I open the door.

“I will, enjoy the luxury of your clean sheets.” I confirm, before shutting the door, “Goodnight, Erwin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! thank you for making all the way to the end of the first official chapter! i have had this chapter sitting in google docs for a few months, but i have finally come to decide to post and see where it takes me (thank you emma for convincing me). i will slowly update whenever i have the chance, due to the fact i am juggling schoolwork and work itself, so please be patient :,>
> 
> i also would like to make aware of the fact that this is the first draft! so it is not perfect but once the story starts to have it's own flow, i will be going back and making a few changes. i will leave an update between every other chapters to let you know how things are going and when the next update will be. as far as right now, i am not quite sure but i can promise the story will be a very lengthy slow burn !
> 
> if you'd like to see the next chapter, please don't be shy to show some love! <3


	3. friendly activites

I sit on my bed, my eyes fixated on the wall across the room. I begin to watch the patterns of the drywall circle and swirl around itself like fish in a pond. If I blink a couple times, the small picture I imagined on the wall disappears. The candle I lit on my bedside table is about to go out. I sigh into the quiet. My behavior from last night was present for a reason. I am starting to believe that it’s not that I can’t figure out why I am acting the way I am but rather more that I just don’t wish to figure it out. When you come to a resolution that you care deeply for someone in a particular manor, you are admitting yourself to vulnerability. I have experienced vulnerability before, and though it’s not such a bad feeling, it comes with something else you have to accept.

I scrunch my nose as the faint smell of burnt wax drifts near me, a smell I don’t necessarily enjoy. It’s completely dark in my room now. I let myself fall onto the mattress. Vulnerability is something my mother never had the chance to teach me, and Kenny, my guardian, never tried to teach me. He saw vulnerability as a weakness, and in some ways it is but in some ways it's a strength to admit to yourself that you are vulnerable towards someone. I don’t look at it as either because I feel like it can depend on the relationship you have with the person. Well, I’m not sure now that I think about it, because I’ve only experienced it a handful of times. It was all timed. Once I had acknowledged my relationship with each individual, the bomb was set off sooner after, and it was only a matter of time. 

So, what about it if I’m a bit scared to acknowledge what is actually happening here? I choose to not even let my mind roam farther into any possible scenario. It’s not something I plan to attempt to nurture into thought. 

I hear my door creak open, a tall and narrow figure leaning into my room. I let myself relinquish for now, for tonight. “I knew you’d be up so I figured you’d want some company.” Hange says quietly. 

“I don’t have a shirt on.” I let her know, sitting up and placing my hand over my eyes to guard the light from the hallway. It’s more dim at night but consistently present and feels brighter with tired eyes. 

“I can take mine off too if it makes you feel more comfortable.” She closes the door and I can hear her steps tread lightly towards me. I didn’t know what to say, or rather, it was just typical for Hange to say something like that and it was best not to say anything. I feel her leg brush up against my feet as she sits down on my bed. I notice a light rain patter against my window ever so gently. 

“I love the sound of the rain, don’t you? So many people think it’s sad but I find it peaceful, in a way, ya know?” She says. I believe she’s trying to make conversation. I looked towards the direction I felt her, but it was dark enough I couldn’t see her. 

“Yeah.” 

“What have you been doing this whole night? I took like, three laps over the past couple of hours to give my hand a break from all this writing I’ve been doing, and just ‘cause it kind of keeps my mind active, but I heard you in your room all three laps. First you were walking around, and then I think you were like… I don’t know. What were you doing?”

“I was cleaning.” 

“That’s what you do in the middle of the night?” 

“Sometimes. I was trying to occupy myself.”

“From what?”

“Stuff.” I say plainly. We listen to the rain for a second before she begins to talk again. 

“Just stuff?”

“Yes, Hange.”

“....Do you wanna talk about it?”

I was starting to run out of replies. “Not really, no.” My tone was growing ineffectual. 

“Do you want to sleep?”

“Yeah.” I roll over to face towards the wall, while she crawls over my legs to lay down beside me. I feel her warm chest press up against my back. 

“You are really cold.” She says, pulling the sheets up over me (I don’t sleep with a blanket in the summer). She rests her cheek against the nape of my neck, I feel the rim of her cold glasses press into my skin. 

“Your glasses are cold.” I tuck my arm under the pillow. “I take it, with you so at ease - in my bed, that you have chosen to sleep in here?”

“I won’t tell if you won’t tell. I just didn’t want to sleep in my office.”

“You not only have an office, but a bedroom too.” 

“Weren’t you wanting company just a moment ago?”  
I bit my lip out of slight annoyance with her excuses. She was not one to make it as easy to agree with as Erwin did. In fact, I believe she pulled most of them out of her ass. 

“You just came in here. But I don’t care. It’s not like you’ll leave even if I tell you too.” 

“We are special friends, special friends do special activities.”

“This isn’t going anywhere.”

“Levi! That’s not what I meant. Activities doesn’t mean what you are thinking of, necessarily, it could also mean what we are doing right now.”

“Talking?”

“Laying together.”

“What a special moment in our special friendship.” I say dead tone while adjusting my back. 

“Well would you do this with anyone else?” She asks.

“No…” 

“That sounds hesitant.”

“It’s not.” I exhale. 

“Well, anyways, it’s special.”

“Okay Hange.”

Then there was silence. The pitter-pattering of the rain began to flow into the rhythm of a soft lullaby. I could feel the exhaustion wear into my bones, sinking me into my mattress and letting me fall into a type of slumber I haven’t felt in so long. 

“Would you ever do this type of thing with Erwin?”

“Hange,” I moan tiredly. “Let me sleep.” 

She rolls onto her back. “I’m just wondering.”  
“It doesn't matter.”

“It does now that you won’t answer me.” 

“It’s like you are trying to get me to proclaim my love for him right here, right now.”

“If you did, that would be okay.”

“I don’t think I’m in love with him. Go to sleep Hange.”

“I will if you just tell me: yes or no.”

“No. I wouldn’t.”

“Okay.” She yawns. “See, that wasn’t so hard.”

This time I wait for another question to pop out of her but she says silent. She breathes softly and lightly in her sleep, I notice as I feel her ribs expand against my back as she takes in a breath and exchanges it for another one in her sleep. Soon, our breathing patterns become one sequence. I finally rest. 

“It’s very cold out, you guys can sleep in the bed tonight if you want.” Isabel offered, exchanging a glance between me and Furlan at the table. She yawns, and then gives a soft smile. “I know you guys sleep elsewhere out of courtesy for me, but, I don’t mind at all.” 

“I’m not bound to disagree tonight.” Furlan says, rubbing his eyes. “As long as Levi does too though. And Isabel, you’ll have to sleep in the middle because I don’t want to take up snugglin’ up to Levi.”

I gleam. “Whatever works. As long as I stay warm tonight.” 

As Isabel nods, I feel myself falling backwards in my chair, and landing on my back in the bed. Isabel is suddenly pulling the blankets back to crawl into the center of bed, Furlan waiting patiently behind her. 

There is a silence not marked by ease once we are all in bed together. “Goodnight you guys.” Isabel says favorably. 

“Goodnight.” Furlan and I say simultaneously. After a few minutes pass by, they both fall into their own slumber, while I lay awake, staring at the ceiling. Isabel hums lightly in her sleep and scoots towards me, rolling onto her side and flailing her arm on top of my stomach. Slowly over the night, she grows closer to me, while Furlan talks in his sleep, something about a baker and horses. 

I stare at the wall closest to my side of the bed. A faint stench begins to set in, my nose scrunches. It quickly becomes unbearable and overwhelming. “Are you having trouble sleeping Levi?” I hear Isabel ask. I feel the weight of her body and the warmth of her skin leave me feeling light and cold as I turn to reply, but there are no words I am able to speak when I see her head lying on the pillow dismembered from her body, turning our white sheets a deep crimson red. 

I jolt awake, gasping and breaking my peaceful slumber. After a few seconds I am aware of my surroundings. Isabel and Furlan are not in bed with me. It was a dream I soon realized. Hange lays halfway on top of my chest. Her glasses hanging off the tip of her hooked nose soon fall onto my chest when she drags her face into the crook of my neck. Her hair is a mess, but I place my hand on top of her head and run my hand down to her shoulder to squeeze it firmly to wake her up. 

“Whaat?” She says, her voice ridden with weariness. 

“Get off of me. We have to get up.” I say, breathing through my nose to gain control of my nerves. 

“Why?” 

“What do you mean, why?” I ask. She doesn’t respond, but she lifts herself up off of me which I find a more appropriate response than debating. I pick up her glasses laying on my chest and hold them out to her. Once she puts them on, she winces. 

“I was resting well.”

“Huh.” I huff, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was too, up until a certain point. “We should go get breakfast.”

“Ah yes. I don’t think I am very hungry though. I just want coffee.”

“All you ever consume is coffee.”

She crosses her arms. “That doesn’t matter.”

“Well, can you get out so I can get ready for breakfast? You’ve spent too much time here. I will meet you downstairs.” I request politely, though it being my room, I should have just kicked her out. 

“Sure thing!” She says, overly peppy, but typical behavior for her, on a good day. She gets up and practically frolics out the door, but ever so calmly shuts the door behind her. She didn’t seem to notice my uneasiness. I get up and make my bed, then move to my nightstand to put my shirt on before I head to the bathroom where there is still some water left in the sink from yesterday. I dip a finger into the water. It’s cool, but that’s just the temperature I need at this given moment. I bend over and cup my hands to let the water pool into my palms, then carefully bring my hands up to my face. Slightly cold, unnerving, but distracting my nerves elsewhere, to other parts of my brain. I do it a few times until my face and the front pieces of my hair are dripping with water. I take the rag next to the sink and wipe my face off. 

I lean over the sink for a moment and simply just exist. I close my eyes and inhale and exhale slowly. I haven’t thought about them in a very long time, but for people who aren’t a part of my life, there isn’t much to think about is there? It was just a dream, I tell myself. 

When I head downstairs, my eyes meet the scouts congregated at the dining table along with Hange. There is an open seat next to her. Mikasa approaches me with a cup of tea as I sit down. I thank her, though I don’t think she hears me. Though almost everyone is enjoying their casual breakfast chatter, I notice Eren leaned over his foot, his eyes red and benumb. 

“Eren,” I say, though he is beyond my reach. Mikasa sits down between him and Sasha and rocks him gently. He blinks, as if he has just landed back from another dimension. 

“Yes, captain?” He asks as if my voice has woken him.  
“You look tired.” I point out. He nodded, almost guilty. 

“You can go lay down, if you’d like. I’ve had trouble sleeping before too.” As I said that, almost half the table looked at me, as if they have never heard me be practical or understanding. “....What?”

“You must have slept well last night.” Hange prods, smiling against the rim of her cup before taking a loud slurp. I side-glance at her, scowling. 

“That has nothing to do with it,” I tell her. “I just know that your experiments are tolling on the kid’s body. He deserves some rest.” 

Eren looks at me with a gentle expression. “Some rest does sound nice. I promise I won’t miss this morning’s-”

“Don’t worry about whatever tasks have been assigned today. You are excused. Go rest as long as you’d like.”

“Thank you, sir.” He gets up eagerly despite how tired he seemed and heads upstairs. 

“I could use a nap too,” Sasha sighs, leaning back in her chair and patting her stomach. “I’m so full!”

“I want you guys to clean.”

Sasha frowns. “But sir, we had already cleaned everything yesterday.” Jean says, but I shake my head. 

“Not only do you have horrible cleaning skills but you must also have horrible memories too. You failed to do what I asked yesterday, and I said we would discuss your failure at a later date. It’s later. You will be revisiting the tasks I assigned you yesterday. I’d like to think I am being pretty soft on all of you, unless you’d like a different penalty.”

Connie and Sasha shake their heads while Armin replies, “No sir, we will get to it.”

“Finish your breakfast first, of course.” I add on. “You’ll have all day to make this whole house sparkle.”

“What do youuu have planned for today, Levi?” Hange asks me in a tone that is well known to lead onto a question. 

“What do you need me to do?” I ask. 

“Nothing. I was just asking. I can ask those sort of things, can’t I? Best friend activities can also mean asking what you have planned for the day! Not just because you need something.” 

“Do you have some sort of handbook you are going off of?”

“You are so funny.” 

“I know.” I deadpan, taking one of my last few remaining sips. 

“Well, anyways, I was thinking we could go spend some time with Erwin. It’s been awhile since we’ve hung out.” 

“Maybe because our job isn’t to hangout and braid each other's hair.” I remark. “He’s been on bedrest and we have been on duty.” 

“I was kidding about the whole ‘being in a good mood’ thing, but you are really trying to make a point aren’t you.” She pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose with her index finger. 

“I’m not in a good mood nor am I in a bad mood.” 

“Are you thinking about the stuff again?” 

“No. I’m just neutral, Hange.”

“Well, anyways, I meant it’s been awhile since we’ve hung out together, as a trio.” 

“Okay.”

“And I bet Erwin is lonely.” 

“We don’t need an excuse to go see him, yet for some reason you are using one.”

“I just believe he’s a people person.” 

I roll my eyes. I swear she thinks I haven’t known her long enough to pick up on all her antics. “I’ll finish my tea, and then we can go see him. Is that what you would like me to say?” 

She smiles and nods, like a little kid who was just given candy after nagging persistently at their parents. 

I sit down in the chair I always sit in, crossing my legs. As if on cue, my critical thinking skills dissolve my attention span from whatever Hange was rambling on about to Erwin to what’s always on my mind nowadays. I have lost my fondness for the nickname “Puzzle”, though I don’t have any other way of being able to describe how I truly feel, because it’s so unnecessarily complicated. I don’t like the nickname “Puzzle” because a puzzle is easier to solve than my situation. Not that I haven’t suspected the concluding piece to end my troubles, but it’s too grand and far fetched of an assumption for me to presume, I need to think; Is this really what is going on? 

“-I just think we should start sleeping together.” 

I almost choked on my afternoon tea. “Excuse me?” 

Hange moves her entire body in her chair to face me. “Well it we both felt great when we slept together, why not all three of us sleep together? Imagine how great that would feel.” 

I look at Erwin. Though he knows she probably doesn’t mean exactly what she’s saying, it is still a bit humorous. I can tell her biting his cheek, trying not to laugh. He rubs his chin for a second before he looks at me and gives a contagious smile, almost convincing me to. 

“Hange.” I say, clearing my throat. “We are not taking group naps.” 

“Why? It could just be once, and if you guys don’t like it, we don’t have to do it again.”

“How about we revisit this when it’s colder outside. We’d have a practical reason to all snuggle up.” Erwin jokes, but he’s smacking me in the face with deja vu. He ruffles his hair before leaning forward to rest his elbow on his thigh while he sits at the edge of his bed, sharing a lighthearted chuckle with Hange while my mouth goes dry. He glances at me before doing a double take. “Are you okay Levi? You look pale.” 

“I-'' I take a sip of tea to cure my cottonmouth. “I - uh, I’m fine.”

Hange leans over the table and presses her soft palm against my forehead. “You don’t have a fever, but you were so cold last night. Maybe it was night chills. Are you feeling nauseous?” She draws her hand back slowly and leans back into her seat. “Erwin, feel his head. Let’s get a second opinion.”

“I’m not ill.” I assure her, annoyance ringing through my voice. 

“Well I have this stuff you can drink to prevent you from getting sick-er … if you are sick.” She gets up, moving swiftly for she is a woman on a mission now. “I’ll go get it.” 

Once she marches out of the room, Erwin stares down at the floor for a second before looking up at me. He has a smug look on his face. “So … you and Hange?” 

“No, absolutely not.” 

“I suppose I should respect your privacy. I apologize.” 

“There is nothing private to respect. I’m not with her.” 

“You guys slept in the same bed last night.” 

“What was I supposed to do? Tell her to get out?” 

“Yes, you could have,” He carries a small laugh behind his tone. “but if you didn't want to, I won’t pass judgement.” 

“We talked until we both ended up falling asleep. That’s all. Don’t get the wrong idea.” 

“Hange seems to have misworded things then.” 

“She always miswords things, if you haven’t noticed. She talks so much she doesn’t listen to herself, I think the words just spew out like a fountain.” 

“I can’t believe she actually thought she could convince us to sleep in the same bed as some ridiculous expirement.” He reflects. 

“Yeah.” I say quietly. 

“I must ask, though. How come you’ve never annexed me for a night?” It almost sounded like he felt left out. 

“I wasn’t the one who initiated it.” I tell him. 

“Well if you ever think about it, I would love some late night company. That is, if Hange isn’t occupying you. And if you decide to fall asleep here, you’ll have to do it somewhere other than my bed. Unless it’s cold.” He recalls his comment from earlier, his voice teasing. His eyes were a cool blue, flickering to me and then to the door as Hange welcomed herself back with a veil of liquid. 

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I say. 

“Keep what in mind?” Hange asks, looking back and forth between us. 

“Nothing.”


	4. False Flags Though Factually Sound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize this chapter was so short! i am almost sick with a head cold and it's causing extremely bad sinus headaches so i tended to rush a bit, but the next couple of chapters are going to be an episode long each, so it's all good for the time being. i hope you are as hyped as i am after reading this chapter for what is about to come next. anyways, enjoy!

I was looking at things the wrong way. 

I wasn’t quite aware of the admiration when it first happened, because the adrenaline to my nervous system was a head rush that caused me to lack in my critical thinking skills and do what I only know best in that situation: fight for my survival. When you enter into a situation that relates to a near death experience, nothing else is as important. Though it wasn’t my near - death experience, and it wasn’t my physical trauma that had been endured, it felt as if I had been there living through the pain with him in fear of mortality. 

I started admiring Erwin when he almost died. 

I think back to that night as I had so many other times, I just hadn’t understood the signifigance. It was still so clear in my mind, even after these few months. Hange walking me to his room, where he lied so peacefully in bed, despite being passed out from the pain. His lips were parted, his breathing soft and shallow and quiet, his locks of sunny hair sprucing against his forehead and the pillow case. I stood in the doorway as Hange moved to sit next to him. I felt lightheaded as I stared at the beholden; a stump for an arm, bloody and pink and scrunched with ribbons of skin and stitches. 

“Sit down,” Hange whispered. I didn’t even remember walking. I just remember floating into the room, and placing myself in the extra seat so absent mindedly. Hange picked at her fingernails as I stared. She did that when she was stressed.

I nodded, my throat was tight, as if a surgeon had stitched it closed like his wound. I couldn’t speak. My eyes were dry and when I blinked I felt tears pooling in the corners of my eyes.I stared at my lap where my hands had lied, my skin was more pale than it had ever been. 

The truth of the matter was simply this; he wasn’t dead, but death had kissed him on the forehead as a simple gesture that it could have him any time it wanted. He wasn’t dead, but until he woke up, he wasn’t alive. And when he became alive once again, he probably wouldn’t ever be whole enough to be completely alive again. There was part of him missing now. I grew nauseous, so I leaned back in my chair. 

I could feel Hange look up at me, softly. “He’ll be okay.”

I cleared my throat. “Obviously.” I squeaked anyways. “Atleast, until he bleeds out.” 

“Don’t say those types of things. He’s going to be okay.” She repeated, reaching and grabbing my hand. Squeezing it, reminding me I’m alive. I wanted to squeeze his hand until he woke up, and smiled like he always did.

I don’t remember much after that as sharp as I do those first few moments.. I think I had ended up staying up all night, waiting for him to open his eyes. My legs grew numb so I walked in circles around his room. Hange came in sometimes, periodically, asking if he had woken up, and I would say no. Until the next day he had, around the early evening, but my stomach hurt like it would if I was hungry when he wasn’t smiling. He stared at me, eyes glossed over in pain, and went back to sleep.

He smiles now, but less often, and not as brightly. Sometimes he twitches and looks at his arm, and when I ask if he’s having ghost syndrome, or just if he’s okay in any situation, he smiles. I can’t tell if it’s genuine anymore. Because he isn’t so transparent. 

After that first night when I couldn’t sleep, it became a consistent pattern. I would stay up all night wondering why my reaction had been so strong. Then onto what he really meant to me. Now, it’s if I’m sure that’s what he really means to me. 

“Levi,” Hange called out, her voice firm, grabbing my attention. “ Levi, this is important. Please listen.” 

I looked up at her. We were sitting in the kitchen with all of the scouts present. I adjusted myself in my chair to a more formal position. “My apologies. Now, what is this about?” 

“I’m sorry. Pastor Nick … he was murdered.” She lets Sasha gasp and hover a hand over her mouth before glancing down at the floor and continuing to inform. “Today. In the Trost barracks. However I feel as though it’s more complex. I do believe he was interrogated by the Military police, and then murdered. When I found him, he had nails missing on his fingers. I couldn't evaluate the situation properly as the police had arrived soon after I had, and kicked me to the curb, I assume to cover their tracks. I figured the church would want to get their hands on Nick when they had learned he was cooperating with the Scouts. That’s why I hid his identity, and had him stay at the barracks. I never imagined they would use soldiers to kill him. This was my fault. I should have been more careful.”

The crowd that remains in the room falls silent. I take a sip of tea quietly. Armin brings his expression towards me. “They tortured him. Presumably for information. Did they want to know what exactly he passed on to us?” He reflected. 

“Most likely.” I held my tea cup with both hands on the table, leaned forward, engaged. As somewhat of a teacher, I felt it best to validate his thought process and guide it. “But these are the interior MPs we’re dealing with, so you can bet there is something deeper at work here. Now, how many nails was the good pastor missing?” 

“I only caught a glimpse of him,” Hange told me. “but enough to see a majority of his nail beds were empty.”

“People we talk, talk after one.” I said leaning on the arm rest. “If they don’t, ripping off more won’t make a difference. I’m impressed; I didn’t think highly of Pastor Nick. But whatever his faults, he stuck by his beliefs until the end.” I glance at Hange, her eyes are full of unjustly fueled anger and sympathy while she squeezes the edge of her arm rest. Historia is staring at me, her icy blue eyes glossed over by the tears she’s trying hard to keep back in an attempt to remain collected at the table. I continue to confer. “Which means … they have no idea we know about the Reiss family. But, the government is up to something. And we’ve got a target on our backs -”

“Captain Levi, sir,” an urgent voice says as the front entrance bursts open and Nifa appears, a fellow cadet. “I have a message from Commander Erwin.” She hands me a small folded piece of paper. “I went to tell him about Pastor Nick, but he gave me this and sent me off.” 

As I read over the letter, I feel an instant command run through my head and out my mouth automatically. “Get your gear. Now. We’re leaving. Make it look like we were never here.” 

As if on cue, everyone hustles their way out of the kitchen. 

“That was close. What if they had caught us?” Connie asks Armin as they watch the MP invade our house from the hilltop. “Would they rip our nails off?” 

“How did Commander Erwin know they were headed here?” Armin follows his question with another. 

“The government has passed down some new orders. There’s been a freeze of all scout activity outside the wall. We are to hand over Eren and Historia.” I recite from my memory of what I remember best from what Erwin had written in that letter. Eren turns towards me in revelation. 

“Captain, I didn’t have time to tell you, but some MP’s came for the commander right after I had left him.” Nifa told me. I bit the inside of my cheek and closed my eyes for a second as dread coursed through my veins. Maybe it wasn’t dread, but whatever it was, had a slight nostalgia to it. He was out of my reach, and I didn’t like that. 

“What? Like he’s some kind of criminal?!” Hange asked, her voice tense and hostile. I could tell she was worried for Erwin, and frankly since I’m trying to be more honest and aware with myself, I am worried for him too. 

“They are bringing this fight out into the open. No more working from the shadows.” I felt a sense of anger wash over me, replacing whatever I had just felt. 

Hange turns her entire body towards me. “They are going to protect the wall’s secrets at any cost. But why? And what exactly are they after Eren and Historia for?” She pressed her finger against her chin. “They don’t want them dead, so what are they planning?”

“Who knows? But they want these two and they’re not being subtle about it.” Right as I finished my thought, realization hit me. “Which makes lingering here dangerous. We’ll move Eren and Historia into Trost.”

“We’re taking them to the same district where Pastor Nick was just murdered?” Moblit asked me, making a valid point. 

“Heading toward the interior would be worse. With Trost in a panic it should be easy to slip in. And if all things do go to hell, we can use these in the city.” I brush my cloak back, revealing my ODM gear. 

“That’s true.” Armin hums in agreement. 

“We don’t know the identity of our enemy yet … I have an idea of how we can change that. Hange, I’ll need you to lend me some of your squad.” I feel a small smirk turn up on my face. I find it amusing how quickly my mind works when it needs to analyze a situation and guide to a responsible answer, however it’s slow when it comes to simple self analysis. 

“No problem.” Hange doesn’t hesitate to answer. “And I’m going after Commander Erwin.” She turns to face her squad. “Moblit is with me, the rest of you go with Levi!” 

Hange is about to mount her horse when Eren pulls a small note out of his pocket and sprints a small distance towards her. “Hange! Here. I remembered a conversation between Ymir and Bertholdt. I wrote it down for you, it’s all there.” He gestures the piece of paper towards her, she takes it and puts it in his chest pocket. 

“Thank you, I will take a look at it later.” She tells him, up on her horse, then strides away with Moblit into the trees. 

I take a moment of silence before I tell the scouts to head out.

The bells toll in the distance as we walk through the busy crowd that had congregated on the streets of Trost. I turn behind me to look at the scouts, spaced out together but not enough. I turn back to keep my eyes on the path. I feel as though I am leading a train of ducklings, fumbling and lost and oblivious that at all times they are the prey. Small bits of this morning’s contemplations pop in and out of my headspace, as I guide the scouts. I didn’t have time to think about this. Not right now. I was beginning to grow annoyed with myself. 

“Try not to walk so clustered together,” I tell them, loudly enough to reach all the way to the back of the line. I doubt that anyone else would hear us. There are many other voices present on this street quite louder than me. “we’ll stand out.” I twist my head over my shoulder once more. “Eren and Historia, act normal.” I say Eren and Historia, though it’s not. It’s Armin and Jean, the two closest in the group that could pull off a body double for them both. The real Eren and Historia are safe on a different path, concealed and enclosed on a path no one can find them. We are all prey but those two happen to be the most prized. If I had said “Armin and Jean” that would give away the purpose of their role. 

“Why is the royal flag hanging everywhere?” Connie asks. 

“Today must be the anniversary of The King’s coronation.” Sasha gave her best effort for a solid answer. “Once a year they hand out extra rations to celebrate it.” 

“Ohh-” 

We come to a slow halt as the crowd grows thicker near a small stage where two MP’s stand, announcing what Sasha had predicted. “All that food and they are just giving it away?” She asked, but it sounded like more of a complaint. 

“It’s not as if he needs it all.” I point out. “It’s easier to control people when they are not starving.” 

We continue our walk before I pause. Above the town’s people chattering, there is a sound. A rattling against the concrete, growing louder and faster with each section. I spin around on my feet and dart my eyes through the line of heads. “Behind us! Look out!” I yell. The sea of scouts part to make way of the carriage rushing through the street. A man reaches over the side of the cart and grabs Armin by the waist, and Jean by the arm, throwing him on board. 

“Armi-” Sasha pauses before correcting herself. “I mean, Crista and Eren! Those bastards are running off with them!” 

“We need to separate, now that they’ve seen us.” I tell them, standing up after crouching against the concrete, lowering my arms to my sides from hiding my face. 

“What if we just moved to the rooftops?” Connie asked. 

“Yes, that is an excellent idea. We need to follow them though now that they’ve walked into our trap.” I say. I press a finger to my chin, a habit I picked up from Hange. “Mikasa, come with me. The rest of you, stay safe for now. We will need your help later.” 

I hear Mikasa propel and land behind me as her boots clunk onto the roof. “How is everything going inside?” I ask her. 

“If we wait very much longer they’ll see through Armin’s disguise.” She tells me. “He’s … getting pawed at.” 

I wince in disgust. “I see.”

“How is your leg? Any better?” She asks kindly. I run my palm over my knee and down my calf while I crouch as I had before. I had restrained a muscle when dodging the carriage. Nothing harmful to compromise me, but a minor inconvenience. “I can move well enough. Now, then. Did you notice?” I ask. She stays silent. I think she is waiting for me to give context to my question. 

“These kidnappers are obviously rank amateurs. Why wouldn’t they use professionals for a job like this?” Still, silence. I stand up. “You can handle the rest on your own. I’m making my way over to Eren. Come and meet up with me when you are done taking out the trash here.”

Her eyes follow me as I walk to the edge of the roof. “Yes sir.” She says plainly, but respectfully. I stop as a thought pops into my head. “There’s one thing you should know, just in case. Tell Armin and the other’s too,” I pause and breathe out slowly before I begin. 

When I hit the next rooftop, I pull my hood over my face and be sure to take light steps towards Nifa. “Captain,” She whispers as I get down on my knees beside her. 

“Well?” I whisper as well. 

“The roads are crowded but I’ve seen nothing unusual. So I think we are good, but how’s the body double mission?” 

“A success.” 

She turns to me. “You don’t seem very pleased about that.” 

“I’m not.” Something was wrong. I am starting to believe the Military Police couldn’t be behind this. They’re too careful of their reputation to be using amateurs. Not to mention … this behaviour is familiar. That’s when realization hit me as it had been doing all day. 

This is Kenny.


	5. note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have decided to take the time to put this story on hold until i have it the way i want and feel happy enough to continue on. i won’t be deleting any of the chapters but rewriting them and then updating them. this may take awhile so please be patient. in the mean time, if i feel like it, i will post some of the killer and his bf. 
> 
> i hope you all understand <3

*this will be deleted eventually


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